Raw Emotions

I feel like I am constantly fighting this battle inside me. The part of me that wants to suppress the raw emotions and the true, genuine feelings against the part of me that wants to let them out and let myself feel and live. I’m guilty of allowing the first part to rule me 95% of the time. That’s one of the reasons why I’m writing.

What makes us do the things we do? How often do you make decisions based on your own assessment? I guess a good question to ask ourselves is: When you are faced with a decision to make, who are the people who come to your mind? “What will (fill in the blank) think of me for doing this?” Is it a healthy concern that you have for that other persons view on your life? Or is it an oppressive, judgmental, controlling view that you are too afraid of walking away from?

We would all be wise to have relationships with people who speak truth and love to us. People that we trust and that we can count on. People that are morally and ethically upright, that will help us see clearly when we are incapable of doing that on our own. That being said, so many of us have allowed other people to speak into our lives with poison on their tongues and venom in their hearts. We keep certain relationships going because it is the social norm to do so. We allow other people to continue speaking their judgmental words toward us because we are too afraid to reap their consequences…

I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m jaded…

In my current season of life, I have been faced with a lot of decisions that require a lot of faith on my part. Faith in the unknown, that God is working and that He is there. I’ve begun making those hard decisions and swallowing the fears inside. In doing so I’ve been judged and slandered and pushed aside… By people who “love” me.

Why would I want those kind of relationships in the first place? I want to have relationships in my life that I explained earlier. The ones that are good for building up and encouraging.

We need to realize that the people in our lives that should be there will stick around till the end. They will love us through the difficult times, where things are not so black and white. They will be there to hold our hands when we make mistakes and help us get back up when we fall, without saying “I told you so”.

I am no longer going to make decisions based on the fear of judgemental people’s’ reactions.

I’m done fighting this battle.

I’m going to be me.

I’m going to allow myself to feel the real, the dirty, the ugly, the true– the raw emotions.



Pornography Destroyed My Marriage


I would imagine that we all have different feelings when we see that word. Desire. Lust. Shame. Disgust. Intrigue. Hurt. Passion. Pain.

For me, that word brings up a world of hurt and pain. Pornography destroyed my marriage. At the ripe old age of 24 I am almost divorced and we have a two-year old beautiful girl to raise separately now. My ex-husband (almost) was addicted. He replaced all forms of intimacy with me, with a videos of other women. He became withdrawn and essentially had no desire for me whether sexually or otherwise.  He masturbated to porn daily, I don’t know how many times a day. I would try to have sex with him often, and I would be rejected 9/10 times. Eventually I started to pull away, my heart started to break, and I felt no love from him at all. He became so withdrawn from me that even things that weren’t sexual were beginning to be put on the back burner. He wouldn’t want to go see friends, he wouldn’t want to play games, watch movies, read a book. Nothing. Nada. Our relationship was demolished.  All he cared about was porn, and himself.

**3 years of marriage, and the only thing I am grateful for throughout the entire thing is my daughter. I would endure it all over again, just to get her in the end.

He claims he still loves me and that he wants our marriage to work… That the porn is in his past and he is done with it; something he has been promising me for 3 years. How long do you wait? How much of your life do you let pass by before doing what is necessary to make a change? How much do you “just deal with” because you are afraid of judgement and nasty looks from others? At what point do you step back and see your life, the life you are building for your child, and realize that it could be better? It should be better…

Some people think I’m ridiculous for walking away, other people think I’m strong and that I’ve made the right decision. My family judges me harshly for this. They believe that I need to be a better wife and stand by my husband through his issues. “He could change”, “It could get better”. Let me explain why this isn’t good enough for me…

I am 24 years old. I have been with this man since I am 18 years old. I used to have confidence in myself. I used to look in the mirror and believe I was beautiful, someone to be desired. Today, I look in the mirror and want to smash it. I see the woman whose husband tossed her aside for his hand instead. I see the woman who wasn’t sexually attractive enough to keep her husband’s interest. I see an insecure woman, who has lost all self-confidence.

Pornography did this to me. Pornography got it’s claws deep into my marriage and ripped it apart. Pornography turned a man who was once sweet and caring, into a man who has become callous, harsh, selfish, and withdrawn.

I don’t want to spend my life waiting for that possible change to come around. I don’t want to raise my daughter to believe that it is normal for a husband and wife to spend little-to-no time together. For a wife to not trust her husband. For a husband to not show his wife love daily and openly. I want better for her. I want better for me.

I believe that one day I will heal from the inside out.