I feel like I am constantly fighting this battle inside me. The part of me that wants to suppress the raw emotions and the true, genuine feelings against the part of me that wants to let them out and let myself feel and live. I’m guilty of allowing the first part to rule me 95% of the time. That’s one of the reasons why I’m writing.
What makes us do the things we do? How often do you make decisions based on your own assessment? I guess a good question to ask ourselves is: When you are faced with a decision to make, who are the people who come to your mind? “What will (fill in the blank) think of me for doing this?” Is it a healthy concern that you have for that other persons view on your life? Or is it an oppressive, judgmental, controlling view that you are too afraid of walking away from?
We would all be wise to have relationships with people who speak truth and love to us. People that we trust and that we can count on. People that are morally and ethically upright, that will help us see clearly when we are incapable of doing that on our own. That being said, so many of us have allowed other people to speak into our lives with poison on their tongues and venom in their hearts. We keep certain relationships going because it is the social norm to do so. We allow other people to continue speaking their judgmental words toward us because we are too afraid to reap their consequences…
I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m jaded…
In my current season of life, I have been faced with a lot of decisions that require a lot of faith on my part. Faith in the unknown, that God is working and that He is there. I’ve begun making those hard decisions and swallowing the fears inside. In doing so I’ve been judged and slandered and pushed aside… By people who “love” me.
Why would I want those kind of relationships in the first place? I want to have relationships in my life that I explained earlier. The ones that are good for building up and encouraging.
We need to realize that the people in our lives that should be there will stick around till the end. They will love us through the difficult times, where things are not so black and white. They will be there to hold our hands when we make mistakes and help us get back up when we fall, without saying “I told you so”.
I am no longer going to make decisions based on the fear of judgemental people’s’ reactions.
I’m done fighting this battle.
I’m going to be me.
I’m going to allow myself to feel the real, the dirty, the ugly, the true– the raw emotions.